Ah Gastown, it’s still beautiful even if this turd is insisting that everyone watch him with his revolutionary wannabe cap and pants tucked into his socks on his pedal powered douching machine. The head of the convoy was carrying dozens of rolls of toilet paper for, I assume, post-douche cleanup after Critical Mass. FYI: riding a bicycle is not a political statement.
I can understand wearing a reflective vest if you’re working in a construction site at night. But riding on the sidewalk? Do you wear a lifejacket in the shower or a parachute when you’re in a building higher than three stories? You’re an adult-baby who is afraid of getting a boo-boo and probably crawls into bed with your mother when you have a bad dream.
So I was watching Jeff Garlin on Conan last night and he was joking about this catalog “Living XL” which is for fat people who, rather than lose weight, have decided to just run (clamber on) with it. So one of the things he mentioned was a bicycle that was designed to carry 500lbs, which is ridiculous in it’s own right. But, I went and checked out some of their other products, and were there ever some gems.
Namely, the trike:
Which, sure, looks comfy for someone who’s size makes it impossible for them to balance and who’s ass would just consume any normal bike seat. But would you seriously want to be seen in public on this? How would you respond if you saw someone you went to high school with?
“Hi Bill, yeah long time no see.”
“Oh this thing, yeah I’ve given up.”
I can picture him riding this contraption around a shitty suburb of Montreal (the South Shore?), leering at teenagers, smoking rerolled cigarettes from butts he picked up off the ground and drinking cheap wine in the local park. I bet he was known as Rene, the local pederast, before him and his friend riding behind him on the cruiser had to escape because of their “forbidden” love.
Who could possibly think something like this was a good idea? Or that you would look good riding in it. Is he on his way to the future douche convention?
My first post, and these two sad sacks were nice enough to pose for me. For future reference: the man at the bicycle rental shop does not have your best interests at heart.
The Ugly Cyclist 